Recently, my boyfriend and I were at a house party when one of my friends turned to her partner and asked the age old question:

Would you still love me if I were a worm?

Like a fool, the young man stumbled over his words as he graciously tried to explain to my friend that although he would not stay with her if she turned into a poor man’s snake, that did not mean he did not love her.

My boyfriend immediately affirmed of that course he’d still love me if I were a worm — he loves what’s “on the inside” — but that made me question: Would I love me as a worm?

Sadly, the answer was no.

Ever since I was a small child, I have suffered from severe self-confidence issues, and unfortunately I do believe that transforming into a 2-4 inch invertebrate wouldn’t change those issues. If anything, it would exacerbate them.

Firstly, let’s consider diet. Worms mainly subsist on on a diet of waste, including plant matter and manure. I already find it challenging to eat in front of others due to deep-seated insecurity about my weight, imagine if the snack in question was literal poop. I think the new diet alone would ruin my ability to exist comfortably in social settings, making it much more difficult to achieve self-love.

Additionally, and perhaps more troublingly, if I were a worm my expected lifespan would shrink to just 4 to 8 years. Even assuming the clock starts upon my transformation, how could I adequately love myself when there is an underlying pressure to accomplish all my remaining earthly goals in less than a decade? Plus, one of the leading causes of death in worms is drying out. I live in Arizona, one of the hottest, sunniest places in the U.S. Each time I stepped — or rather wriggled — outside, I would be risking death. This would make it hard to love myself, as each time I left the house I would either be berating myself for endangering my own life, or chastising myself for being so worried about drying to death that I was forgetting to live.

When it comes down to it, I suppose I’m already worried about being a bit spineless. And I think literally not having a spine wouldn’t help on that front.

So, unfortunately, I still have a lot of growing to do before I could love myself as a worm. Now, a Hero shrew on the other hand? We can talk.